joke thread

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 8:03 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus'
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:31 pm

Last night I lost my watch at a party. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it whilst harassing a girl. I went over there and punched him.

Nobody should do that to a woman.

Not on my watch.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:32 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Mar 13, 2019 2:33 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Mar 18, 2019 4:12 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Mar 18, 2019 4:13 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Mar 18, 2019 4:14 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by pickelhauben » Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:08 am

woznotwos wrote:
Mon Mar 18, 2019 4:12 pm
91F9B1BC-6756-4028-B5B5-4981E3D53B04.jpeg.4dd41ffb1981d25c71ab15481b8be3f7.jpeg


That is hilarious .

I see all the humor in that .

My wife not so much.

Looks like it did not transfer THE DAD TALKING TO SON ABOUT PLAY.

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:49 pm

oops !!!
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:26 pm

Just went to see a faith healer perform. He was rubbish even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out
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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Tue Mar 26, 2019 12:04 pm

So a Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi walk into a pub, the landlord looks up says, "What' this a joke".
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 26, 2019 6:18 pm

Haha
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 26, 2019 6:19 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 26, 2019 7:41 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Wed Mar 27, 2019 10:44 am

Which is dumber; A guys digging the foundation for a house boat or the one waiting to pour the cement?
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 01, 2019 4:52 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 01, 2019 4:52 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Tue Apr 02, 2019 11:00 am

This photo was taken at my local waste treatment plant. So now if you need to buy s--t you know where to park.
Customer Parking.jpg
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:33 pm

I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges... I told him probably to put them on eBay...
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:33 pm

I was interviewed by the police last night.
I answered every question with 'No Comment'.
They rang this morning, I didn't get the job
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:42 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:44 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:42 pm

Now that it's Spring, I thought I get rid of some of the old stuff I have around the house. But she won't leave.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 08, 2019 4:55 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:51 pm

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late, I've already started the paperwork."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 15, 2019 1:01 pm

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

I can't read a ****ing word now.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 22, 2019 5:28 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 22, 2019 5:29 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Apr 22, 2019 5:29 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu May 16, 2019 5:33 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu May 16, 2019 5:33 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat May 18, 2019 4:24 am

In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat May 18, 2019 4:25 am

Today I got mugged by 6 dwarves.



Not happy.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat May 18, 2019 4:27 am

An undercover cop called at a farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, the farmer replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f..k I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f...ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?”
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores. A short while later, he heard loud screams and looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by an angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
The farmer threw down his tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,

“Your badge, show him your f...ing badge!”
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat May 18, 2019 4:29 am

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat May 18, 2019 4:31 am

A North Korean soldier walks into a bar



The landlord asks, "How's it going?"



The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu May 23, 2019 11:14 am

I went to the doctor and said "I've got a problem inside of my left ear"
He said "Are you sure?"
I said "I'm definite"
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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Thu May 23, 2019 1:09 pm

Many years ago we found ourselves halfway around the world from our homes. One evening we heard a noise in the bush, when quite suddenly and violently the enemy attacked us. It was three against a thousand! We fought them off after some very savage fighting. It was three against a thousand! The enemy fell back into the jungle and regrouped. It was three against a thousand. Then they came at us again, even more violently than before, it was three against a thousand. We were able to hold our position and drove them back once more, it was three against a thousand. We could heard them out “there”, making preparations for another assault, it was three against a thousand. As dawn was approaching we knew that this would be their third and final attack, so we dug in a little deeper, checked our weapons, and restocked our ammunition. It was three against a thousand. And then they came, screaming and yelling, bugles blaring , and firing their weapons, it was three against a thousand. We fought hand to hand, tooth and nail, bayonets and shovels, It was three against a thousand. Finally we again forced them to fall back, leaving us victorious, It was three against a thousand.. On our way back to the trucks we all agreed that they were three of the toughest SOBs we ever ran into.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Jun 11, 2019 11:21 am

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:51 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:53 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:54 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Jun 19, 2019 2:56 pm

Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '
Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years .
Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that old mate is how you waft a bloody towel' !
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Jun 22, 2019 2:27 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Jul 01, 2019 4:04 pm

I put a map of the world over our dart board at home.
I gave the wife a dart and said wherever that dart lands is where we'd go on holiday.
I'm pleased to announce that in August me and the wife will be spending two weeks holidaying by the skirting board.
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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:50 am

I understand that Prince Harry (Duke of Sussex) intends to move to Canada and take up painting. This will make him the artist formerly known as Prince.
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