joke thread

My friend passed away because I couldn't remember his blood type.

As he lay dying in my arms he just kept saying " be positive , be positive " . . . . But its so hard without him
 
My wife and I were sitting on the sofa watching the news the other day when we saw a report that a famous rap singer was arrested --- again --- for abusing his supermodel wife.
I said to my wife: "I will never understand how the most belligerent, worthless, obnoxious, piece of horse dung men end up marrying the most beautiful women."
My wife looked at me and said: "Thanks."
 
My wife came home the other night very excited. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery," she cried. I asked her where I should pack for, warm or cold weather. She replied, "I don't care, just leave!"
 
I asked my Gym instructor if she could show me how to do the splits.



”How flexible are you?” she replied



I said “I can do any days apart from Tuesdays and Fridays”
 
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