joke thread

In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
 
An undercover cop called at a farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, the farmer replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the f..k I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this f...ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want, have I made myself clear?”
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores. A short while later, he heard loud screams and looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by an angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
The farmer threw down his tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs,

“Your badge, show him your f...ing badge!”
 
I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."
 
A North Korean soldier walks into a bar



The landlord asks, "How's it going?"



The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
 
Many years ago we found ourselves halfway around the world from our homes. One evening we heard a noise in the bush, when quite suddenly and violently the enemy attacked us. It was three against a thousand! We fought them off after some very savage fighting. It was three against a thousand! The enemy fell back into the jungle and regrouped. It was three against a thousand. Then they came at us again, even more violently than before, it was three against a thousand. We were able to hold our position and drove them back once more, it was three against a thousand. We could heard them out “there”, making preparations for another assault, it was three against a thousand. As dawn was approaching we knew that this would be their third and final attack, so we dug in a little deeper, checked our weapons, and restocked our ammunition. It was three against a thousand. And then they came, screaming and yelling, bugles blaring , and firing their weapons, it was three against a thousand. We fought hand to hand, tooth and nail, bayonets and shovels, It was three against a thousand. Finally we again forced them to fall back, leaving us victorious, It was three against a thousand.. On our way back to the trucks we all agreed that they were three of the toughest SOBs we ever ran into.
 
Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married .
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act .
After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '
Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years .
Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that old mate is how you waft a bloody towel' !
 
I put a map of the world over our dart board at home.
I gave the wife a dart and said wherever that dart lands is where we'd go on holiday.
I'm pleased to announce that in August me and the wife will be spending two weeks holidaying by the skirting board.
 
I understand that Prince Harry (Duke of Sussex) intends to move to Canada and take up painting. This will make him the artist formerly known as Prince.
 
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Due to the COVID-19 we have to wear a mask when going out. Although I've been complying, I'm still getting into trouble.
Lone Ranger.png
 
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