joke thread

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joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Sep 04, 2018 2:40 am

I went to lunch with a champion chess player. It took him 8 minutes to pass me the salt...
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Sep 04, 2018 2:44 am

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Sep 04, 2018 2:45 am

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Sep 04, 2018 2:46 am

I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Sep 04, 2018 2:46 am

Had enough yet ?
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:18 pm

Nelson was 5ft 6ins tall. His statue in Trafalger Square is 17ft 4ins high. That’s Horacio of 3:1
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:06 pm

I've just written a song about a tortilla. Actually, it’s more of a rap.
Last edited by woznotwos on Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:08 pm

My friend passed away because I couldn't remember his blood type.

As he lay dying in my arms he just kept saying " be positive , be positive " . . . . But its so hard without him
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Re: joke thread

Post by SkipperJohn » Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:16 pm

My wife and I were sitting on the sofa watching the news the other day when we saw a report that a famous rap singer was arrested --- again --- for abusing his supermodel wife.
I said to my wife: "I will never understand how the most belligerent, worthless, obnoxious, piece of horse dung men end up marrying the most beautiful women."
My wife looked at me and said: "Thanks."

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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:54 pm

My wife came home the other night very excited. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery," she cried. I asked her where I should pack for, warm or cold weather. She replied, "I don't care, just leave!"
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:43 pm

Hahaha
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:51 pm

Was in the hospital today and met a smashing fella , he was the 'Ultra Sound Guy'.
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Re: joke thread

Post by SkipperJohn » Fri Oct 12, 2018 6:08 pm

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Oct 13, 2018 2:47 pm

I asked my Gym instructor if she could show me how to do the splits.



”How flexible are you?” she replied



I said “I can do any days apart from Tuesdays and Fridays”
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Fri Oct 26, 2018 1:39 pm

"Knock, knock"



"Who's there?"



"Grandad"



****in ell, stop the cremation!
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:23 am

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy.



Who takes over when he's on holiday? The hip replacement guy.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Jan 12, 2019 5:24 am

What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? One is a super hero whilst the other is a simple instruction.
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Re: joke thread

Post by stuka f » Sat Jan 12, 2019 7:30 am

:D :D
Always looking for Belgian Congo stuff!
http://virtueel-museum-antwerpen.webnode.be/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
cheers
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:15 am

49704150_2138972306165053_7935571490953494528_n.jpg
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:16 am

49704144_563621614105843_3367524822744563712_n.jpg
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Mon Jan 14, 2019 9:18 am

47000D9F-3B22-4EBF-9011-6D23EB1061D3.jpeg.ed26dcede9f6e32332221abd4e8f590e.jpeg
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:47 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:48 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:49 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:17 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:18 pm

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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Sat Feb 09, 2019 12:51 pm

Q; What do you call a woman's Man Cave?
A; A kitchen
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:01 pm

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

I asked how she was.

They said "critical"

I said "what's she complaining about now?
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:49 pm

I cooked the wife a steak tonight.



She asked how it was cooked. I told her medium rare.



She replied “I like mine well done”



I said “Thanks, you're welcome”
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:49 pm

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:49 pm

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Last edited by woznotwos on Sun Feb 17, 2019 2:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:49 pm

shy pebble: doctor i'm too shy

doctor: you must be a little bolder
Last edited by woznotwos on Sun Feb 17, 2019 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:52 pm

Just found out the word gullible has been removed from the English dictionary!
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Re: joke thread

Post by aicusv » Sun Feb 17, 2019 1:08 pm

Just how many steaks did you cook?
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Sun Feb 17, 2019 2:21 pm

Hahahahaha , i dont know how that happened !!
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Feb 19, 2019 11:44 am

I applied to the Origami University.
Just got a rejection letter.
Don't know what to make of it!
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Feb 28, 2019 9:33 am

BRIAN

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his bloody widow."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Feb 28, 2019 9:36 am

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Re: joke thread

Post by SkipperJohn » Thu Feb 28, 2019 10:11 am

If you give a man a fish you will feed him for a day ---
But, if you teach a man to fish he will spend thousands of dollars on gear he'll only use one week a year!

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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:31 pm

I went to the Doctor today as my crossword addiction was making me depressed.



He told me not to get too down
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:31 pm

I called two girls hipsters today and got slapped.



Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins"
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:33 pm

A man wakes up one morning and is surprised to find a gorilla on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he says this, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:34 pm

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:34 pm

Took the wife to a nightclub last weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips the lot. My wife said to me, "That guy proposed to me 15 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 7:57 pm

Doorbell rang last light and when I got up to answer it there's my mother-in-law sitting on the front step.

"Can I stay here for a few days?" She pleaded "What do you think I am, a heartless bastard?" I said "Sure you can."

Then I closed the door and went to bed..
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 7:57 pm

udas: "Are we still on for Friday?"



Jesus: "Friday?"



Judas: "Yeah, you know - The Last Supper"



Jesus: "The what?"



Judas: "Supper. Normal supper with the lads..."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 7:59 pm

Why do Norwegian warships now have giant barcodes down the side?



So when they get back to the harbour they can just Scandinavian.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 7:59 pm

My dad always had one rule when he was in the theatre, ‘always leave them wanting more’.

Great dad, shit anaesthetist.
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 8:01 pm

I saw an advert in a shop window which read: "TV stuck on full volume, for sale, just £1."



I thought to myself... "I can’t turn that down."
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Re: joke thread

Post by woznotwos » Thu Mar 07, 2019 8:01 pm

My wife is having some problems with breastfeeding so I phoned up the Doctors to make an appointment for her.



"Is this her first baby?" enquired the receptionist.



"No, it's her husband," I replied
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